A Current Life of a Diva

WooooHoooo! Tonight I totally blew of McDonalds. I am really proud of myself, it was a time where I totally would have run through the drive threw and gotten a double cheese burger and a mcchicken. Disgusting. Today I blew by, even threw the parking lot. 24 is going to be damn good to me. I feel it.

I miss my grandma so much sometimes it hurts. She was really supportive and while we were not super close, at least I do not think we were, I miss her a lot. I miss her house, and her SMELL, I loved the way she smelled.

Whenever I see things on T.V./Movies/Books about a grandparent dying it kills me. I miss her a lot, a lot.

When she died I only wanted two things. Cats in Hats the puzzle and the Billy Goats Gruff book. She used to read it to me with voices and do the clippity-clop as they went across the bridge. I hope that she would be proud of me, even though I have been floundering. I love her and I miss her a lot. I hope she knows how much she meant to me. I wonder if anyone else feels this way, or has melt downs in my family??? I feel embarrassed, and I have never told my parents (mom, her daughter) because I do not want to make them said. I hope some day I can find someone who I can be truly open with.

I have recently, the past 2 years or so, really realized how much my weight has affected my self esteem. Even when I was in high school and my first years in college, I still thought I was beautiful. At that time I was still able to shop in most normal stores for clothing. I just do not trust men, I just do not believe that anyone could find me attractive, and that makes me really upset. No I just do not believe that I am worth meeting, I know when my friends introduce me to their friends that I am the D.u.F.F (designated ugly fat friend). I wish I had never heard that word on T.V. it really is horrible. I need to dig down and find help, otherwise I might never live the life I want or deserve. I have an amazing personality, I deserve an amazing body to go with it. I look to Jesus and myself for the answers.

The thing that is most upsetting is that I choose not to do anything about it. I choose not to use my gym membership, I choose to eat horrible things and constantly waste money on horrible choices. I can barely fit into booths at resturants anymore. When I am going to act on changing my life. Maybe if I change, things (ie employment, relationships, health, finances) will fall into place.

I am moving back to Milwaukee. It is like an unspoken word, I am moving out this weekend and while my roommate knows, we both pretend it is not going to happen. I am really happy in Indianapolis.

I am always really surprised how blessed I am when it comes to friends. I have a Scorpio magnetism that I do not even have to work at. I am so blessed.

I am such a girls, girl. I do not do well with boys. A couple of my friends are doing a 90 day sex detox. Easy for me, I am still a virgin. I do not know why I am so embarrassed. Maybe because my weight is holding me back.

My weight is really out of control. I weigh over 300 pounds. I am so delusional about the toll that it is taken on my health. I do not know why I cannot make the change? I watch TV and see all these people successfully losing weight. I do not know how to break my addiction. I am the same weight as Ruby on the health channel, I just cannot believe I am her size. It is something I need to put on priority if I ever want to live my full life, get married and have children. I believe I can do it, just where to start?

I miss journaling, this is going to be a clusterfuck of words and ideas. No one reads this but me so... I am so excited to see Katie Skoc. I am nervous. I want to be brave. I want to be a "perfect" girl who always looks good, good hair. I want to be thin. I don't know why I am such a sabotager. I don't know why I am not honest.

I want to be a event planner. Don't I - I really have no idea.
Would I make it in Chicago?? Do I like A? She is a cheater. I dont like Sasha. I am horrible but I thought she was not going to make it and I was relived. A annoys me because of her success and her stuckness on a horrible 2 month bf. WTF.

I miss my sister. I enjoy her.

I have been super emotion. Something is up with my period, I have no insurance and I cannot go to the doctor. I don't know why that salon women didnt like me. I dont know why no one want to hire me. I like twitter. Should i do the Mintel thing???? I am again at a crossroads. I do not trust anyone. I want to marry money. I am done!

I know it was only the first episode but I really kind of fell in love with the new Real World cast. I have always been interested in the transgendered and I thought that the moment in the van was very authentic and emotional. Does the mormon boy know he is gay? The dancer does not look talented enough to make it so we will see.

Hey Divas!

I just decided I need the Manish Arora Pallet. Does anyone have one they are willing to part with. Let me know your price and your feedback.

Thanks!

Hello Everyone. I have been doing good, but is hard to make a true lifestyle change. Today I started walk away the pounds and I really liked it. I am keeping up with my journal and I am going to join weight watchers too with my roomie which I think will be a great motivation. One problem though, My weight honestly has about a four to seven pound range. Depending on the times or other factors my weight is different. I have a pretty expensive scale but I am wondering what weight I should go with. Hope everyone is doing well.

I don’t know how I let my weight get so out of control. I feel like I am so delusional about the trouble that I am really in. I am only 20 years old and I cannot live the rest of my life like this. I just feel like losing the amount of weight that I would like to loose seems so unobtainable.

Okay that is where my struggle starts, I have recently weighed myself and saw that I weighed 290 pounds and I just started bawling. I am so embarrassed and my friends are thin and beautiful so I feel like they don’t understand.

So, I start today, tonight rather to change my life. I have been quietly following this group and am wowed by the progress you all have made, which means I can do it. So any tips you can through my way will be appreciated.

But let me introduce myself, so this entry isn’t a total downer. My name is Ashley and I will be a junior at Purdue University. I feel like my life is so good, I have wonderful friends, great career aspirations (I am an Organizational Leadership and Supervision major and would like to work in PR or HR) and a lot of talent, I have dabbled in some theatre with great success at school. The only thing that seems out of control is my weight. I have a great personality and am able to lift everyone up and I give great compliments and so now I turn that to myself. I look forward to working with you all. Have a blessed day!

For now…
CW: 290
Short term goal: 275
Long short term: 250
Long term: 200